Credit: Laura Elizabeth Graham, TikTok
You may have seen this meme floating around the internet recently and maybe it felt relatable…. TOO relatable… If you’ve found yourself in this situation, I’m here to help.
My Story
A few months ago I decided to deep clean our hallway closet. I took everything out, sorting through stuff I hadn’t laid eyes on since we moved in 7 years ago. Plans and ideas for improved efficiency and aesthetic were firing off in my brain. I envisioned new hooks and shelves and beautiful matching storage baskets! I was unstoppable! I got about halfway through and, as you may have guessed, I completely ran out of steam. Why does this always happen?? I found myself sitting in a pile of stuff feeling overwhelmed, tired, irritable, and disappointed. I knew from past experience that once I hit this point would take me weeks, possibly over a month to get this project finished … if at all …some of my more critical thoughts suggested.
When my husband got home from work I explained that it may take me weeks to get the project finished and that right now I needed a break from it. He looked around. Our whole kitchen table, half of our living room and all of the floor space in between was currently occupied by this project, totaling about a third of our main floor living space. And while he looked a little bewildered, he did not scold or shame me. He let me know he was available to help if I needed it and gave me the space I needed to get a break. I’m lucky to have such a supportive partner. Honestly, I probably would have felt pretty stressed out if our situations had been reversed and I don’t know if I would have been as supportive as he was at that moment.
Over the next 5 weeks I finished the project. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it in the end. As a mental health therapist who specializes in ADHD I luckily have a lot of experience and knowledge to draw on when it comes to executive dysfunction. Here’s how to do it:
How to Finish Projects Once The Motivation Wears Off
1. Be Mindful of Shame
Situations like this can fuel a lot of shame. You may notice self-critical thoughts ramping up, avoidance, a feeling of dread whenever you look at the project. You may notice in your own body language that you’re hanging your head down, turning your arms inward, slumping your shoulders, or are frozen in place when you try to take action. These are all indicators of shame.
Shame motivates us to avoid, turn inward, and feel painful feelings. When it comes to completing difficult tasks, shame can stop us dead in our tracks. The best way to work with shame is to talk about it openly with someone you trust. Being aware of shame and the message it has for us can help us work through it. For more on shame, I greatly recommend Brene Brown’s books and Ted Talk.
2. Use Self compassion
Sooth shame, self doubt, frustration, or any other emotions that are coming up for you using self compassion. Notice and label what you are feeling. This is anger, this is doubt. Speak to yourself kindly as if you were speaking to a friend. Remember that you’re human and all humans struggle. Identify what you need in this moment and take the time to provide care for yourself. Some examples of compassionate self talk:
I know you were really excited about this project, I’m sorry it’s not working out the way you’d hoped, I understand why you’re disappointed.
It’s ok to take a break.
I'm part of a larger community, and we support each other through struggles.
I understand why you’re sad.
I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.
It’s ok to take your time, take it slow, I’m here for you.
Self compassion isn’t the same as giving up, or letting ourselves off the hook. Self compassion can help us find a path forward in times of difficulty. This method is supported by sound research. If you want to know more, I recommend Kristen Neff’s books and website.
After some compassionate self talk and reflection, I knew I needed a break. Some time to get away from the project without feeling shame. I gave myself a few days to let it be.
3. Acceptance
Our expectations about how and when the project should be completed can generate shame, frustration, and make it difficult to move forward. Take some time to reflect on where these expectations may have come from. Taking time for mindful acceptance allows us to accept reality as it is, rather than fight against it. Notice where you are questioning or fighting against reality. It shouldn’t be this way… Allow for feelings of disappointment or grief to come up. Process them with compassion.
Acceptance is not the same as giving up, it doesn't mean you like the way things are. Acceptance is necessary for moving forward. Acceptance can help us put more energy into working with the options we have, rather than fighting against the reality of the way things turned out. More about acceptance here.
For me, accepting that this project was going to take over my house for a lot longer than I wanted it to was difficult, but a necessary step to moving forward.
4. Make a plan for your project
At this point I could have tossed everything back into the closet and moved on with my life and if you decide to do that, no judgment. I made the decision to move forward and if I hadn’t taken the time to go through the first three steps in this list, it wouldn't have been possible for me.
We’re just taking small steps here. As small as you need to.
Take some time to make a plan. You don’t have to actually do any of the steps in the plan on the same day that you make the plan, just focus on breaking down what needs to be done into smaller steps. The Magic To Do AI at https://goblin.tools/ can be helpful here.
Do I have everything I need for my Project?
What tools do I need? Where are they? Can I borrow any?
Do I need to order any hardware or materials?
Hooks? Shelves? Storage Bins? If so, break this down into smaller steps like doing research, going to the store, ordering online, etc. This step is rather insidious - I find it often takes way more time than I expect it to. Try to really break it down into smaller pieces.
Consider order of operations
What needs to be done first? Arrange the list into a logical step by step order. It’s ok if you need to make a few drafts here.
Piles with Purpose
Do you have a bunch of items scattered around that need to be….Sorted? Cleaned? Donated? Thrown out? Require additional steps? That can quickly get overwhelming. As you make your plan, make a list of piles based on what needs to happen with those items. Some examples:
Things that belong in other places in my home.
Things that belong to other people.
Things I want to donate/give away.
Things to throw away.
Things that have additional tasks associated with them (to be fixed, assembled, waiting on materials, etc.)
Things that I want to clean.
Group items by purpose such as cleaning supplies, off-season clothes storage, work out equipment etc.
Your list will look unique depending on your specific project. Breaking things into piles makes it easier to deal with them. Making a list of piles, moving items into piles, and dealing with a pile are each separate tasks that can be done on different days. Take it slow.
For more tips on compassionate home organization I recommend KC Davis’ book How to Keep House While Drowning.
5. A little bit each day
Now that you have your list you can work through each step. Encourage yourself to work on a little bit each day or a few days a week. As little as 10 min! Whatever feels manageable. Use compassionate self talk to encourage and motivate yourself. Reward yourself for your progress, even small progress. Don’t be afraid to ask a trusted friend or family member for help with any of these steps.
If you have ADHD this part can be particularly difficult. Since the task is no longer exciting and new, it may have become painfully boring. Set a timer for 10 min and give yourself permission to stop when it goes off. Visualize how good it will feel to have the task done. Ask a friend to body double for you. Make a game out of it. Set reminders. Consider when your optimal medication window is (hint: usually an hour or so after you take it). When are you naturally most productive? Read my post about Task Paralysis for more information.
If you’re struggling with procrastination or avoidance…
Procrastination is not a sign of laziness, it’s an anxiety response. Go back to the first three steps and get curious about what emotions are coming up. Sit with them. Use self-compassion to work through them. You’ve got this!
6. Reframe your Progress
Many of us continue to shame ourselves even as we make progress because the reality of our situation doesn’t match our expectations. …. So what if you finished another step, you should have had this whole thing done weeks ago…. Notice these critical thoughts when you get them and call them out for what they are. They’re just thoughts, they’re just one perspective. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
Focusing on how things should have been robs us of the opportunity to celebrate our progress. No matter how small of a step you accomplish, it’s one step more than you had before.
Reframe the situation to be about how far you’ve come, rather ruminating on the way things should have been. Not only does this approach help us keep up momentum, it is a kinder approach that builds our self worth, rather than tear it down.
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Hi! I'm Amy.
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